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/m/ - Monologue

ἐδιζησάμην ἐμεωυτόν.
Miscellaneous fragmental writings, self-dialogues, and rantings.
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     No.16

    I know there's always a past for every individual. But I don't or can't sense a past, a history or a memory of myself. I don't think they have really existed, I couldn't feel it, anymore. I myself reject this tendency, my confirmation of that memory, and also "in reality" I have no feeling and memory on them. I'm sure some remaining memories have all been corrupted by me. So responsibly speaking, I've lost my memories, and many things that related to all my past life.
    I'm malicious simply because of this. There will always be an anger burning inside my mind and I can't easily face my lost of memories. I used to think that those memories should be real. It's plain, because you can confirm the details with the people associated with those memories. But gradually some detailed can't be confirmed anymore. They really can't sense the existence of me. Especially when pain has become the mainstay of all memories. I'm forced to lost memories, and I'm essentially pleased with this lost, this final result. But I hadn't hoped I'd lose those, and I think the lost is unfortunately the result of external world that at some point I lost control of. When I think about it, I'm filled with regret and bitterness fills my mouth. Somehow all interactions with the world gave me a feeling that it's all in vain.
    I only know that there was an mythical past that really existed that has no relation with anyone (only with myself) and it related to golden the color, and dying fish on the ground, and the time of nightfall. Any random combination between them could be the source of any of those written poems. After finished Jung's autobiography I'm fairly certain of that. Also, all the memories of my past life were so vivid and real, the first time a poem formed, the first time learnt Haskell.
    But when there is anyone else in the memory, the memory is no longer pure and therefore not trustworthy and must be discarded…

     No.17

    >>16
    This status of losing memories will factually make one feel relaxing. Things would be rewritten everyday. Everythings. But when I was watching the making of the Lord of the Rings documentary, I know that's an unavoidable loneliness, and that's my life.

     No.18

    >>16
    > History is the unfolding of the human Psyche; historiography is the reconstruction of the unfolding through the psyche of the historian. The basis of historical interpretation is the identity of substance (the psyche) in the object and the subject of interpretation; and its purpose is participation in the great dialogue that goes through the centuries among men about their nature and destiny. And participation is impossible without growth in stature (within the personal limitations) toward the rank of the best; and that growth is impossible unless one recognizes authority and surrenders to it.