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/m/ - Monologue

ἐδιζησάμην ἐμεωυτόν.
Miscellaneous fragmental writings, self-dialogues, and rantings.
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     No.3

    那是一个下午，盛夏，所有人都热的冒烟了。他在车站外面等我，我一眼就能找到他。黑色的短发，一件女士针织衫上面有黑色线条，利落的长裤，脚上是皮鞋，虽然这是盛夏，他仍然穿了一双短款马丁皮鞋，全身的穿着都不清凉。盛夏的车站，橘色的，灰色的，天空会把这些掩盖为蓝色，但是他的周围的空气是浅绿色的，似乎有雾气一直不断喷出来，让我感到突然的清凉，他戴着白色口罩，口罩没有遮住脸上所有的青春痘，他抬起头，陌生地看着我，带着一些茫然，日光让他的眼睛眯成了月牙，但是双眼皮让这眼睛变得比一般人看起来的更清澈。这第一眼，不知道有没有 3 秒，但回忆里的它无数次地重播，不知道有没有让它变为 3 天。

     No.5

    Haven't updated in three days, this shouldn't happen again, normally speaking. Like very far away from this, giving me endless vertigo, nostalgia and guilt.

     No.7

    File: 1716226876864.png (507.22 KB, 1070x601,pink.png)

    What gave me the most shock was when he said that my looking in this date only gave him the impression that, I was ugly and uninteresting. I was wearing a T-shirt printed a underground band logo (a psyche mushroom), then a psyche coloured bandana, cozy and casual. He was the one person who truly disliking my appearance, I was so shocked until now.

     No.8

    >>7
    He turned into an esoteric pink wojak, and got really tired of all the ways I looked when I talked. Almost all of our promises were broken, including making an indie game (Dante). Now he has arrogantly become a pink wojak and left me. This game was never taken seriously by him. I don't think I'd even consider doing anything serious with anyone anymore, I've had enough of it all. My life now seems to be identical to any doomer meme, crying all night and remorse, etc.
    The process was painful, but the result is simply a joke.

     No.9

    >>7
    This song was written for him. But I dedicated it to my dead friend.
    一颗种子湮灭
你让我吞下这种子，
还有            这甘露，共同的耕耘，本是，
未现身的繁星，未拍湿我们裤角的海浪，
未吹散树枝上群鸟的，我们的笑声，
坠入无光深渊的言说，
洒在我们身上，数不尽也不尽的黄金。

你让我吞下这种子，和它
还正青涩的，没成形的果实。

我的友，我不能告诉你太多，
而这是我的近况，
若有人让我放弃一颗能够生长的种子，
就像让我放弃了拥有你，还有你的时间，
就像让我抛弃那些我本该替你去体验的...
你帮我去赴约，而我应代你活。

     No.10

    File: 1716228792337.jpg (114.46 KB, 1080x607,tomoko-sunset.cleaned.jpg)

    >>7
    The past two days was truly a nightmare. The dark thing I loathe most inside myself manifested themselves, and I myself was unwilling. I was dropping things in the street and going really crazy. I almost tried to attack the police station again. When the most weird things happen between me and the beloved, if I were outdoors at that moment, the first thing I'd want to do is destroy the police station. Disgusting. I hate walking leisurely down the street alone for that very reason. I'm afraid that one day I'll get arrested again or even killed myself (I really don't want this happen), boring. So if I'm going to keep myself safe, I need to lose interest in any beloved.

     No.11

    When I expressing too much. They like to say, oh it become uninteresting, or they won't say something, they show their disdain that come from nowhere. People like to be consumers no matter what. Even among music lovers there are plenty of idiots who buy CDs for fun.
    When you're being misunderstood, and you want to explain (proved that you a no one over the mainstream SNS), you'll end up hated by these people. People gathering always for no apparent reason. And it gets worse when the group turns out to be just two people. I thought we can do things together. I was hated by him.